Am I Enough?

Insecurities suck. 

'How does she have the energy to DO all that with her kids, AND cook from scratch?'

'How does she juggle all that at work?'

'I should volunteer there too.
I wish I was good at that.'

'God would probably be happier with me if I were more like her.'

Yep, I've thought those too. And more.

And getting past them? Ugh, almost as painful as holding onto them. Almost.

Overcoming insecurities isn't exclusively hard for women. Men definitely struggle with them too. But it often seems particularly difficult for us. So many of the things we desire to be or do, seem to always come so much easier for someone else. 

But in reality, we sabotage ourselves don't we? I mean, on an insecurity scale of 1 to 10, we don't seem to need any help twisting the knob up to about 15 all on our own. Yes, the enemy does know our weaknesses quite well. But eventually, we're the ones doing the majority of the work. It comes so easily to us too, almost like second nature. And then what do we do? Why we consciously choose to play one of the most extremely dangerous and competitive games there is. A game, that evidently must be able to handle as many players as want to participate, called 'Comparisons'.

You know that game, right? I do. We've moved our tokens around the game board, strategies of how we can land on the same spaces the women we wish we were more like do. It's easy to see what to aim for. After all, they always seem to be one step ahead. We lay down a little more of what we have in our hand to bet with. They move. We feel envious, lacking, and so we frantically move too, trying to get the same results. And if it isn't working we panic, fearing that we're being left behind. We might even cheat a little then. Pretend we have exactly what they do so we can move along side them. But before long we find we're totally bankrupt, and we justify the striving and struggling that got us to wager our sanity, peace, joy, and more by quoting Proverbs 31  

"See" we shout, "SHE does it ALL!" 

Wait... what? 

Hold up a minute. This isn't a mandatory list of things we have to do to be worthy of being loved. This is the biblical ideal of the kind of godly woman King Samuel's mother was telling him he should be seeking. It shows us a woman shouldn't let her life be dictated by every little thing. And I guarantee Samuel's own mother could not accomplish it all simultaneously - not even half of it!

NEWSFLASH – these are examples. Examples of how a godly woman is more concerned with being giving, being trustworthy, using whatever skills she may have to be supportive, contributing to the well being of her family/community, being willing to jump in and provide in her own way where needed, being forgiving, and showing grace. It isn't a check list of daily actions. It should encourage us all to find a balance in our lives that allows us to be soft, strong, nurturing, and independent in the best ways! Notice her focus is on the betterment of everyone else but not at her own expense. And not to make herself feel better or more important.

But I get it. Oh boy do I ever. I've been there. I've played that game more times than I can begin to count. My whole life. And I see the things that many of you share on Facebook, and hear in your conversations. Your hearts reveal many of you find yourselves there often. You’re playing the game like a champ.

For some of you, insecurities are very new to you. Circumstances not of your choosing have unexpectedly sidelined you. Your confidence has been shaken in a way it never has before. Your first health, finance, career, or relationship crisis has hit. You're reeling, and unsure. These are new feelings for you..
For some it's been a battle for some time. You've been in a dark place for a while now. And have before too. It's a second, or third crisis that's found you once again sitting down at the table to play the game. And unfortunately its getting easier.
For some, it’s not just a battle, but the war of a lifetime. Since you were a little girl you haven't been able to get past the circumstances throughout your life that have produced your feelings of being lonely - even in a crowd, of feeling used, abandoned, undervalued, unloved, and maybe even invisible. You know the game inside and out. You'll never need to give the directions another glance. It's as if you were born knowing how to play, dice in hand, with the question already formed on your lips... "Am I Enough?"

I'm extremely familiar with the game of  'Comparisons'. Many experiences - some of my choosing, but so many that were definitely not - have left me struggling with feelings of unworthiness, never being enough, feeling less than. For as long as I can remember I always felt I was two or three times around the board behind everyone else playing. Those are all stories for another time maybe :)
Not that there aren't days my mind still doesn’t take me there - but most days I think I can say Gods very real forgiveness and unconditional love are helping me gain ground on them.

But you can never let your guard lower, and become complacent thinking you have it all down. Never assume that you have walked away from the game for the last time. #youknowwhattheysayyoudowhenyouassume ;)

The last few years have brought a new crisis or two. But it turns out the most life altering one, in a long time anyway, would come to a head over the last 12 months. I would have recognized just how serious the red flags were had I been paying closer attention. Over the last 6 years or so it seems my body had been screaming as loudly as it could to try and tell me that all was not right. But in all honesty, I think if not for circumstances that I did not choose that slowed my life FOR me, I may not have listened until the screaming stopped. And my body completely gave out.

The fact that I was sick, A LOT, weaker than I used to be, gaining weight steadily, suffering debilitating headaches, that I could hardly get out of bed some days and felt like I'd been hit by a truck most of them, wasn't just because I worked 60 hours many weeks. It wasn't even that on top of that I was heavily involved in women’s ministry, and was a wife and mom.
BUT, because I did all that I chalked it up to normal for someone who juggles those things. So I kept juggling for far too long. I mean, if I didn't do it all who would? #imsurethatdoesntsoundfamiliartoanyone
So I decided that the physical fall out was something I would just have to suck up and deal with. 

But 12 months ago I wasn’t working like that anymore. And instead of things getting better now I couldn't walk very far (to the mailbox and back had me needing to take some very deep breaths and hurting). I couldn't lift very much, couldn't sleep well at all, and now needed naps daily - sometimes more than one. I was in pain a lot, sore, stiff, still having numerous migraines, was forgetful, and felt like I was living in a sort of fog all the time. I've never felt more useless, worthless, depressed, and frustrated. I didn't even have the strength to TRY and measure up anymore.
But the guilt? Oh yeah, it was still there. And that made me insecure wondering if people thought I was faking, or wondering if it they thought it was all in my head (because I wondered that myself more than once), or if they thought I was just lazy. 

Then one day an allergy appointment of all things, with someone who listened VERY closely to some answers I gave to some pretty standard questions, began putting 2 and 2 together, And she set me on a path that eventually discovered and answered so many questions I didn't even know to ask. And the red flags began to finally make sense. And eventually a plan began to come together.

I have seen more doctors in the last year than I have in the last 10 years combined I think. Some I dropped like a hot potato as I learned more about my own body, as I learned that the "normal for people with your issues" still wasn't MY normal. I learned who truly listened and who didn't. 
When I discovered what the very real problems with my health were (hypothyroid w/goiter, and 2 separate auto immune diseases), what needed to happen for me to heal as best I could, and that there would also simply be a new normal for me I needed to accept - I was happy to know what was so wrong with me, but was even more depressed at what that said about my new life.

My husband, friends, coworkers, my family - would they be disappointed? Would they understand? Could they make allowances, or would they tire of them? And I asked over and over and over again - "Why God??? This isn’t how I wanted my life to go! I'm not even 50 yet and this is crazy!"

I was focused so much on what negative things I thought others would feel, that I didn't even consider how it might actually be exciting to them that there could now be a plan of action for me.
But then my sweet husband began showing me how much it meant to him. Me feeling better was all he was worried about. Not the weight. Not that he had to make sure he didn’t plan too many things in a day, or even a week, for us to do. Not that he would have to count on me less to help with certain strenuous activities around the house for awhile because they cause me too much pain. Not that we have to find things that allow me to not sit, or stand, too long. Not even that our diets had to change - AGAIN, removing some delicious things, normally very healthy, because they cause my body inflammation. All he cared about was that we do what we need to do for me to feel better, so our lives together would be as full and joyful as possible! 

His refection of loving me how my Father loves me began to sink in.

No matter the reasons, and how frustrating it is at times, I realize that even if my daily life has to be very different than many others, it's okay. Stress makes my issues flare, becoming over tired, not moving enough, being too cold or too hot, too much or too little of some vitamins/minerals, etc. It’s now definitely not about what someone else thinks, or me feeling guilty for my circumstances and what I can't do. God wants me to do what I need to, to be as healthy as possible. 

It really all comes down to how, and who, I spend time worshipping. God is trying, so very patiently, to show me that my mind, heart, and body ALL are individually His. 

So for me now, its way more important that I begin balancing my time & activities in ways that produce better physical health and emotional well being for me. That is HOW I can begin to best serve Him through my family, friends, church, and community. When I do the healthiest things for me possible, I can continue to do the things He has prepared for me for as long as possible. Not what someone else does. When I'm striving for a life and image other than my own, I'm trying to achieve what was never intended for me. 

Will I worship God by carrying for the mind heart and body He created just for me, listening to the signals actually telling me what it needs or shouldn't be doing? Or will I worship an idol, something or someone I wasn't designed to be?

Will I continually regret what I can't seem to do as well as “she” or “they” can, feeling guilty and less than? Or will I gratefully accept that I'm just different for a reason, doing what I can with the things that make me uniquely ME, and worship God thankful for what I can do? 

I'm learning that when I do what's necessary for me to feel my best, that's what allows me to more consistently do more for others and enjoy more of my life.  

I focus on what I can do, what I'm good at, instead of making myself crazy trying to measure up to someone else. It doesn’t mean I don’t try new things. It just means I don’t pressure myself to succeed in all things.

You may not have my same health limitations, maybe you have different ones. Or maybe different talents, skills, passions, amounts of time available, responsibilities, and interests - but can't seem to help but want the others ones you don't have. The point is that who and where you are is your reality. Letting your insecurities drag you into a fight that is not meant to be yours, is a conflict you cannot win. Feeling guilty for what you do or don't do for yourself or others, based on your abilities, is a battle you are not supposed to fight. It's not real. Take care of what you've been given, to do your absolute best with what you have. 

“For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” Eph. 2:10

I don't know what convinces you to sit at the table to play the game. But if your legs are growing numb from being there for far too long, isn't it time you stood up, got some feeling back in them again, and walked away? 

Joyful on the Journey,

Marisa

The Wonder of My Christmas Journey

I'm finding it overwhelming this Christmas that my journey really began to take shape strangely enough in a familiar food trough.
I believe my life was dreamed of and planned from the beginning of time by my Creator, but what a wonder and mysterious miracle that actually my eternal life was literally birthed within the hands, the feet, the side, and the heart of a baby. THE baby no less. The SAME hands, feet, side, and heart of THE Messiah that were pierced for or transgressions set or own
Hard to comprehend isn't it? Wrapping my mind around the fact that as His mother pushed fluid, blood, and life onto the floor in a place that smelled like sweat and sheep dung. That it was at THAT moment MY journey truly began too?
Mercy: such sweetness of life within filth; such forgiveness in horrific death; bursting forth first onto hay, and then again from a borrowed resting place, into gloriously intertwined lives... Jesus and me, destiny.
Your journey began in that same trough, your life has traversing the same path, intertwined with that same baby, that same Messiah.

From cradle to cross - Merry Christmas friends!
Marisa 

Looking for the Unidentified

It can be frightening, to not know. 
To be uncertain what life is bringing to you.
But it can also be exhilarating to just imagine all the options and possibilities that could be out there. Around the corner. Either hurtling through space and time towards you at lightening speed, or steadily moving towards you at a consistent unchanging rate.  Both arrive at a precise and predetermined time. Both crossing the same distance. 
More importantly, whether now or later, good or not so good - God's eye never wavers. He doesn't lose track of what's coming. And whether it's fast or slow, easy or hard, He can and will make much of it.

Joyful on the Journey,
Marisa

Wash Your Face and Save a Life!

Did you know simply cleaning your face can actually help a woman escape poverty and oppression? Me either!
I was shopping at Earth Fare recently, and was drawn (as I always am) to the heavenly scented soaps and such. While sniffing around (pun intended) I remembered I needed some chap-stick.
So I wondered over to the familiar Burt's Bees and other names I saw that I recognized, but decided to peruse the other brands before picking up an old favorite. That's when I spotted "lip butter" (the word "butter" always garners my attention) in what looked to be really cool biodegradable packing in delicious flavors like Vanilla Orange, Passion-fruit, and Raspberry. YUM!
The name on the package intrigued me too - Rooted Beauty. So I pulled out my smartphone and went to the web site on the label. I saw that low and behold that not only are their products organic and natural, but also with my purchase of the lip butter I could have a hand in meeting the needs of a woman named Sange escape poverty and learn a new skill/trade to support herself!
Each product is assigned to a specific woman. Some looking to leave an abusive relationship, some single moms needing to support their children, some want to go to school.
I decided this was definitely worth investigating further. I emailed the founder and ask her about how they choose their partners (listed on the web site). Kim Garret told me that they choose organizations to work through that are on the ground in areas where there are no resources available to these women, and who have a exemplary record of also not only meeting physical and emotional needs but their spiritual needs as well - they are all faith based! Some aren't obvious about that on their own web sites due to where they are serving - for safety and for easier access to these women. But it is important to Kim that these partners offer a holistic approach in how they minister. 
Since then I've added another flavor of lip butter, and also now use their Mango facial moisturizer (LOVE it, so silky and a dab goes a LONG way). When I use up all the cleanser I already had spent money on I plan to try theirs as well!
Check out Rooted Beauty - skincare products that are made from pure healthy ingredients, but just as important each purchase helps an individual woman's story be rewritten from one of helplessness to one of hope and life change through their Woman2Woman Project  ‪#‎givehope‬ ‪#‎makeadifference‬ ‪#‎shopwithpurpose‬‪ #changealifewithwhatyoubuy
http://www.rootedbeauty.com

Joyful On the Journey,
Marisa

Experience Compassion!

I am SOOOOOO excited to volunteer tomorrow morning for the Compassion Experience in Knoxville! IN LESS THAN 30 MINUTES you can see a child's story go from hardship to hope, 

and witness a life transformed! 

This unique walk thru experience will challenge your views of poverty, transform your understanding of the world, and give YOUR heart hope - come and see for yourself what love and compassion can do!‪#‎Nov7thru10only‬ ‪#‎compassion‬ ‪#‎inJesusname‬ ‪#‎teachingmoments‬‪#‎GodsStory‬ 
Go to http://on.fb.me/10yJ6g0 for details - and you can even reserve a specific time Nov 7-10th!

Marisa

Homemade Gifts!

This crafted knoxville workshops event on Saturday has some really neat hand crafted ideas that would make great Christmas gifts... they show you how and all supplies are included!!! Actually, they would make super gifts for any occasion really  so sign up quick before spaces are gone and follow them on Facebook thru the link above and on Instagram for more upcoming events too!

Behind the scenes...

As for you, O Lord, you will not restrain your mercy from me;
your steadfast love and your faithfulness will ever preserve me!
~ Psalm 40:11

"Preserve": to prepare; a sphere of activity regarded as being reserved for a particular person or group

WOW! God is preserving His plan for me even as I fumble, preserving His path before me even as I struggle to find it, preserving His thoughts and dreams for me even though I question, preserving my joy even when I don't feel it - He is EVER working out what He has reserved for my good!

Joyful on this journey indeed :)

Marisa

Just a little off my chest today... :)

Okay auto-correct... in what situation in any universe would it ever seem plausible to you that I would be trying to type and send the word "sardine" in all caps, and with exclamation points no less???? It's "AWESOME!!!"‪ ‬I keep trying to picture why I would be yelling "SARDINE!!!"
I have never been in fear for my life or anyone else's from them, never seen them suddenly become airborne and fling themselves at my head, nor have I ever (even though I like the ones in mustard) become that overjoyed at seeing or opening a can of them. Strangeness. #‎happenseverysingletime‬ ‪#‎ineverheardofasardineattack‬ ‪#‎autocorrectfail‬‪ #‎oneofmanyperday‬ ‪#‎whydontieverturnitoff

How God talked me into praying for a flood...

God is so aggravating sometimes. There you are minding your own business on Sunday, thinking about how this message is SO good for that friend you have been praying for. Wondering if they are hearing the same thing you are - if they are paying attention, because wow, this is just exactly what they need to hear. And you're so excited for them you can barely sit still!
And then it happens. BAM! You can sit still now for sure. Because you get nailed. Nailed to the very chair you are sitting in. Wait a minute... what the heck - this is for me????
Dang it.

At the moment we are in a series focused on Ephesians at my church on Sundays. One of my favorite books of the bible actually (and just like God to use what I love against me).
Yesterday as our Pastor took us through the second week of this series called "Immeasurable", focusing on Ephesians 1: 17-23 - Paul's prayer for the Ephesians he served and loved - that's when it happened. I got nailed. One verse in particular seemed to reverberate through the room. I mean his lips were still moving, I could plainly see he was still talking. But all I could hear was THAT verse. I mean I know this verse, read it many many times. I did mention Ephesians was one of my favorite books. This time though - BAM!
My favorite translation says it this way "I pray that your hearts will be *flooded with light* so that you can understand the confident hope he has given to those he has called..." ~ Ephesians. 1:18

I managed to get through the conversations after church with those around me, through lunch with friends, through a visit with my mom, and even some chill time with my husband on the couch before bed watching some HGTV - all the while knowing this wasn't over. And sure enough as my feet hit the floor this morning, as I was brushing my teeth, and as I was on my way to work there He was again with the same verse. Dang it!

So when I got to work and settled in at my desk I prayed and asked God to reveal what he wanted me to get. What He wanted me to know today more completely than I knew yesterday.
(I admit I did this halfheartedly but that didn't dissuade Him at all - he was loaded for bear)
I then looked up the meaning of the one word from that verse that kept resounding in my ears and mind the loudest since yesterday morning.
Flooded.
There were many definitions I found, but a few jumped off the screen at me like "arrive in overwhelming amounts or quantities" and "fill or suffuse completely".
But the one that cut me to the core and made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up? "As to drive someone out of their home or business with a flood"
BAM!
Okay, I said to myself  looking back at the verse. My heart. It's a home for Christ to reside. Right? What's in my home that needs to be driven out?
I immediately wish I hadn't asked. I didn't like where this was going at all. But I had come this far and if the last 22 hours were any indication I needed to forge ahead or be nailed every time I turned around.
So I ask myself the question I didn't want to answer - Who is at the center of my heart that He battles for space?
The answer was immediate in my spirit. Almost audible. And matter of fact. The answer was Me.
My concerns. My worries. My wants. My needs. And all this "Me" affects everything I say and do. Every single stinkin' day.
And I write those with capital M's because that's where I put them all most days. More important and ahead of Him. I try not to. Some days I do pretty well - for some of the day. But at some point, even if its for just a little while, my home becomes suddenly flooded once again. Only with Me instead of Him.

I looked again at the scriptures we went through yesterday.
To pray that my heart be so overwhelmed and filled completely (flooded) with His light (His Spirit and unveiling of truth) that there's no more darkness there, so there is no room for anything to be covered and unseen. I mean, I want to know the abundance of His hope and His calling on my life - but to pray that is isn't messing around. It means I must vacate the premises. Me - less. My concerns - less. My worries - less. My wants - less. My self evaluated needs - less. (any one else hearing Mercy Me's "So Long Self" yet?)

Now hold on just a minute. That sounds and feels pretty icky, like I have to disappear. And in a world where I as a woman battle the insecurity of feeling invisible already many days, what the heck does that really mean? What will that look like?
But dang it, that's exactly what's required... "He must become greater and greater, and I must become less and less." ~ John 3:30
I went back to the section of verses and looked again. Because to get to the end of Paul's prayer, to attain what is so precious and desirable, "to be made full and complete by Christ" (verse 23), this is what the sacrifice must be.
Every stinkin' day.
DANG IT!

So, there you go. No denying it. It's not like I haven't prayed this before. I have. But you now what I mean when I say THIS time it means something else. THIS time its with a whole new level of understanding what that means. Scary stuff.
Starting today my prayer every day has to include that I become invisible.
I have a feeling now however that because I know what he wants though, that He'll be even more aggravating if I don't. You know? I know you do ;)
I fully acknowledge I will fail at this many days, but would you like to join me? It's always easier to do anything when you know you aren't alone, when you know there are others in the thick of things with you.
If so, here's what we'll be praying daily together:
God please drive "me" out of YOUR home, flood my heart with more of you, so there isn't room left for what I want or think I need, but fill it to overflowing with more of you revealed, and what you want for me. Show me the FULLNESS of the hope you have called me to - a completeness in Jesus!"

Comment below or on the Facebook post that led you here to let me know if you'll be praying this too

Joyful on the Journey
Marisa

You have something to offer...

Our own "camera angles" to a common held vision are shaped by our own experiences, and our own gifting's. And they are as individually unique as we are. We can share that vision with those around us, still run side by side passionately to achieve it, but move creatively along our own path to get there. Honor and make the most of your uniqueness :)