Well, its been a long time since I last posted... and I think I now know why. I kept wondering with as much as I enjoy writing, sharing, and pondering on paper so to speak why is it that God has literally stilled my hands?
To listen more. To learn more. To read, to hear from His Word, from His people, from His music, from His creation... at first I wondered if I did such a great job? I thought if I had that I wouldn't be so taken aback by some things in my life right now, right? Surely He plants signs along the way, right? Or does He let things take us by surprise because if we knew what was coming we would be so anxious and panicked by what was coming down the road toward us we would be frozen in place? Yes, its a mixture in life of both - but either way He knows best. He works things together for our good. He is sovereign. He is orchestrating everything from before today, in this moment, and in days to come to accomplish His Will within the choices I make - be them good or bad.
And I do believe with all my heart all these things and more about my God.
And He certainly has been speaking - through all the ways listed above and more. I am amazed each day when I am available and aware just how sweetly He does this.
And are you like me? Sometimes when He speaks do you wonder, even though you are asking for Him to, 'was I really ready for that'?
9 days ago as I literally found myself face first on the floor crying out to Him with all that is within me for some understanding on what was happening in my life, as my husband quietly played guitar leading a small group in intimate worship, as friends around me sang and prayed, and as my friend Lisa held me in her arms, weeping with me with an equally broken heart for me and my pain, and as we both questioned "Why God?!" I clearly heard Him say "Daughter, loved one, worship me while you wait"...
At first I couldn't believe what I had heard, and I cried all the harder - how could this be??? God how can you say this??? I must be hearing this wrong - my heart and head both could not comprehend it - but then there is was again... His still and calm voice in my head and in my heart again saying "Daughter, loved one, worship me while you wait"... oh my God, what you are asking - its so hard, but then He reminded me of the hard things He has done for me that were asked of Him.
And so I do - I worship while I wait on Him to show me what's next, what the questions mean, what I should do... what choice do I have but be obedient? To do anything else will not bring peace, will not bring comfort, and will not allow me true joyful deep fellowship with Him or His people.
And He is Faithful - He gave me just a clearly on a day when I was faltering badly Jeremiah 32:40-41, and then when I faltered once again He clearly gave me Psalm 27:14... and when I shared them each time the response was immediate.
(I so always love that in each of our lives He is constantly weaving threads of truth that bind us to one another)
It is confirmation that the waiting is purposeful, that it will bring promises kept so sweetly, that I can stand on the firm foundation that He is I AM...
"Wait patiently for the Lord.
Be brave and courageous.
Yes, wait patiently for the Lord."
"And I will make an everlasting covenant with them (that's us!) - I will never stop doing good for them.
I will put a desire in their hearts to worship me, and they will never leave me.
I will find joy doing good for them and will faithfully and wholeheartedly replant them in this land"
Oh Lord I want to be planted with deep roots!
I went in search again in His word on this sleepless night for some peace again, because my flesh is weak... and my need for Him to reassure me was strong - I needed to crawl up in His lap and ask Him again, Lord, when will I know the answers I seek? How will I know when I need to turn to the right or to the left? That it's you who directs me? Lord where are my answers hidden?
It was then He led me to Proverbs 2:1-11 and sinking into a warm bath I soaked in this:
1 My child, listen to what I say,
and treasure my commands.
2 Tune your ears to wisdom,
and concentrate on understanding.
3 Cry out for insight,
and ask for understanding.
4 Search for them as you would for silver;
seek them like hidden treasures.
5 Then you will understand what it means to fear the Lord,
and you will gain knowledge of God.
6 For the Lord grants wisdom!
From his mouth come knowledge and understanding.
7 He grants a treasure of common sense to the honest.
He is a shield to those who walk with integrity.
8 He guards the paths of the just
and protects those who are faithful to him.
9 Then you will understand what is right, just, and fair,
and you will find the right way to go.
10 For wisdom will enter your heart,
and knowledge will fill you with joy.
11 Wise choices will watch over you.
Understanding will keep you safe.
Oh Jesus - how I love how you love me!
So I will ask Him again and again for wisdom and knowledge, seek the counsel of those who walk deeply with Him, cry out to Him daily, search His word for hidden treasures, I will do in the mean time what is right and do it with integrity, and I will treasure His guidance.
What ever is on the other side of my waiting, it will arrive with purpose, I will be replanted in His fertile good soil, in His time, and for His greater Glory. And even while I wait and continue to worship Him, I am still a part of His great story :)
Waiting with Joy,